Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.
You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sisterís Derriere The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555 Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore"
Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men.
If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual Your Fatherís Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock President Bush is Missing a Chromosome The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
1) Compassionativity is not a word.
2) Social Security IS a federal program.
3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb.
4) Trout are not extinct.
5) Brazil DOES have blacks.
6) Speaking is an important part of being president.
7) Our children is learning enough.
8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.
9)Two words... Big Oil.
10) Sanity is an inalieble right.
Actual Court Transcriptions: Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches;
a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no food.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All general statements are false;
think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms!
Mary had a little sheep
With this sheep
She went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb.
30 Best Jerry Seinfeld Quotes I was the best man at the wedding.
If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?
The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you?ll wind up naked.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake.
It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Dogs are the leaders of the planet.
If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
That's the true spirit of Christmas;
people being helped by people other than me There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know.
Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking.
Number two is death.
Death is number two.
Does that sound right?
This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason The Swiss have an interesting army.
Five hundred years without a war.
Also pretty lucky for them.
Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?
Not much of a weapon there.
"Come on, buddy, let's go.
You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.
I've got the toe clippers right here."
Why do people give each other flowers?
To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures?
Why restrict it to plants?
"Sweetheart, let's make up.
Have this deceased squirrel."
Why do they call it a "building"?
It looks like they're finished.
Why isn't it a "built"?
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen.
To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes.
Women, on the other hand, are like fire.
They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind.
Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
I have a friend who?s collecting unemployment insurance.
This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going.
He?s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs.
If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I?m sure they?d give him a raise.
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country.
We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
Men don't care what's on TV.
They only care what else is on TV.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same;
so we might as well dress them that way.
That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy.
The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable.
So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
I will never understand why they cook on TV.
I can't smell it.
Can't eat it.
Can't taste it.
The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is.
You can't have any.
Thanks for watching.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio.
Thanks a lot.
Do you really want music in the shower?
I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them?
How long would a blind date last?
About 13 seconds, I think.
"Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big."
"That's ok, your breath stinks anyway.
See you later."
You know what I never get with the limo?
The tinted windows.
Is that so people don't see you?
Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver.
Nobody cares who's in the limo.
You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
You can measure distance by time.
"How far away is it?"
"Oh about 20 minutes."
But it doesn't work the other way.
"When do you get off work?"
"Around 3 miles."
Are there keys to a plane?
Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate.
Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this.
Dammit..I did it again."
They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A.
system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while.
I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment.
They're in this big ashtray by the front door.
I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain.
Why does moisture ruin leather?
Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in!
We're all wearing leather!
Open the door!
We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
Beware the fury of a patient man.
- John Dryden Beware the man of one book.
Thomas Aquinas Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.