Agony: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra.
Now the police are looking for the hardend criminals!
Three old men were sitting on a porch.
"I wish I could take a healthy piss", said one.
"I wish I could take a healthy crap", said another.
"I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM.
I just wish I could get up before noon!", said the last one.
A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team.
The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!"
And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.
The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!"
and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.
The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast.
He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..."
A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red.
Have you been drinking?"
the man says.
"Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"
What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
Did you know they are taking out all the K-Marts in Afghanistan?
They are putting in TARGETS!
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."