A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red.
Have you been drinking?"
the man says.
"Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"
Three old men were sitting on a porch.
"I wish I could take a healthy piss", said one.
"I wish I could take a healthy crap", said another.
"I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM.
I just wish I could get up before noon!", said the last one.
Agony: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra.
Now the police are looking for the hardend criminals!
What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..."
What do you get when you mix cigarettes with hot water?
A soggy butt.
What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team.
The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!"
And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.
The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!"
and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.
The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast.
He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?"
calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.