A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, 'All lawyers are assholes!'
He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, 'Take that back.'
The biker says, 'Why? Are you a lawyer?'
'No, I'm an asshole.'
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun.
What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice!
What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?
A total waste of space!
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, 'You can't take it with you.'
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
'Oh, that darned old fool,' she exclaimed.
'I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.'
95% of all lawyers, give the rest a bad name!
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer?s field on the other side of a fence.
As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, ?I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I?m going to retrieve it.?
The old farmer replied, ?This is my property, and you are not coming over here.?
The indignant lawyer said, ?I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don?t let me get that duck, I?ll sue you and take everything you own.?
The old farmer smiled and said, ?Apparently, you don?t know how we do things in Texas.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.?
The lawyer asked, ?What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?
The farmer replied, ?Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.?
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer?s groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man?s nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer?s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, ?Okay, you old coot!
Now, it?s my turn!?
The old farmer smiled and said, ?No, I give up.
You can have the duck!?
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out: 'Oh, look! A nut!'
The second squirrel jumped on it and said: 'It's my nut!'
The first squirrel said: 'That's not fair! I saw it first!'
'Well, you may have seen it, but I have it!' argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said: 'You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.'
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said: 'Now, give me the nut.'
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying: 'See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved!'
Then he reached over and said: 'And for my fee, I'll take the meat!'
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!