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Lawyers Jokes

This page contains 10 Lawyers Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Lawyers Jokes first.

Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, 'All lawyers are assholes!' He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, 'Take that back.' The biker says, 'Why? Are you a lawyer?' 'No, I'm an asshole.'

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them!

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? Your honor!

What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter? Sue!

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out: 'Oh, look! A nut!' The second squirrel jumped on it and said: 'It's my nut!' The first squirrel said: 'That's not fair! I saw it first!' 'Well, you may have seen it, but I have it!' argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said: 'You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.' The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said: 'Now, give me the nut.' He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying: 'See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved!' Then he reached over and said: 'And for my fee, I'll take the meat!'

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, 'You can't take it with you.' After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. 'Oh, that darned old fool,' she exclaimed. 'I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.'

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans!

A young attorney who had taken over his father?s practice rushed home elated one night. 'Dad, listen,' he shouted, 'I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.' 'Settled it!' cried his astonished father, 'why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!'


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