Lawyers Jokes
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Lawyers Jokes

This page contains 10 Lawyers Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Lawyers Jokes first.

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, 'All lawyers are assholes!'
He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, 'Take that back.'
The biker says, 'Why? Are you a lawyer?'
'No, I'm an asshole.'

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being!

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What is the definition 'lucky break?'
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a 'crying shame'?
There was an empty seat.

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?
A total waste of space!

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store.
He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
'How much does it cost for engineer brain?'
'Three dollars an ounce.'
'How much does it cost for programmer brain?'
'Four dollars an ounce.'
'How much for lawyer brain?'
'$1,000 an ounce.'
'Why is lawyer brain so much more?'
'Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?'

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
Your honor!

What is the differece between a lawyer and a protitute?
The Prostitute will stop screwing you after your dead.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with 'How much is two plus two?'
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 'Four.'
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Again, the last question was, 'How much is two plus two?'
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, 'Four.'
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, 'How much is two plus two?'
The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, 'How much do you want it to be?'
A variation A university committee was selecting a new dean.
They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: 'How much is two plus two?'
The mathematician answered immediately, 'Four.'
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, 'Four, plus or minus one.'
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him.
In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, 'How much do you want it to be?'


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