Lawyers Jokes
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Lawyers Jokes

This page contains 10 Lawyers Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Lawyers Jokes first.

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, 'All lawyers are assholes!'
He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, 'Take that back.'
The biker says, 'Why? Are you a lawyer?'
'No, I'm an asshole.'

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
Your honor!

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.

You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun.
What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice!

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer?s field on the other side of a fence.
As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, ?I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I?m going to retrieve it.?
The old farmer replied, ?This is my property, and you are not coming over here.?
The indignant lawyer said, ?I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don?t let me get that duck, I?ll sue you and take everything you own.?
The old farmer smiled and said, ?Apparently, you don?t know how we do things in Texas.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.?
The lawyer asked, ?What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?
The farmer replied, ?Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.?
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer?s groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man?s nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer?s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, ?Okay, you old coot!
Now, it?s my turn!?
The old farmer smiled and said, ?No, I give up.
You can have the duck!?

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store.
He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
'How much does it cost for engineer brain?'
'Three dollars an ounce.'
'How much does it cost for programmer brain?'
'Four dollars an ounce.'
'How much for lawyer brain?'
'$1,000 an ounce.'
'Why is lawyer brain so much more?'
'Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?'

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them!

What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?
A total waste of space!

What is the differece between a lawyer and a protitute?
The Prostitute will stop screwing you after your dead.

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out: 'Oh, look! A nut!'
The second squirrel jumped on it and said: 'It's my nut!'
The first squirrel said: 'That's not fair! I saw it first!'
'Well, you may have seen it, but I have it!' argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said: 'You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.'
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said: 'Now, give me the nut.'
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying: 'See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved!'
Then he reached over and said: 'And for my fee, I'll take the meat!'


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