Lying Neighbor A judge asks a defendant to please stand.
'You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.'
From out in the audience a man shouts, 'You lying bastard!'
'Silence in the court!'
the judge shouted back.
He turns to the defendant again and says, 'You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.'
'You goddamned tightwad!'
blurted the spectator.
yelled the judge.
'You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.'
'You cheap son of a...'
the man starts to shout.
The Judge thunders back, 'If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!'
'I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!'
How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
Cut the rope!
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: 'Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!'
The defendant answered, 'No, we won.'
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Lawyer: 'Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?'
Client: 'After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I?m beginning to think I didn?t.'
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.
In his grief, one of the three said, 'In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they?ll have something to spend over there.'
They all agreed that this was appropriate.
The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Officer, who provided this description?
The officer who responded to the scene.
A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
Yes sir, with my life.
With your life?
Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
Yes sir, we do.
And do you have a locker in that room?
Yes sir, I do.
And do you have a lock on your locker?
Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Why is the N.I.Q.H.
(National Institute of Health) substituting rats with lawyers for lab tests?
Three reasons: 1.
There are more lawyers then rats.
When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them.
There are some things a rat will not do.
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says 'I love you,'
you cross-examine her.
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, 'I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order'.
The second surgeon said, 'I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order'.
The third surgeon said, 'I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, 'I like operating on lawyers'.
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, 'Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable'.