Little Johnny was visiting his grandparents.
He was out on the porch when his grandpa pulled out a cigar.
"Can I have one?"
says little Johnny.
"Son, can your cock touch your ass?"
Confused, little Johnny replies, "No."
"Then you're not old enough"
Then grandpa pulls out some beer.
"May I have a drink?"
"Can your cock touch your ass?"
Johnny sadly goes into the house.
He returns later with milk and cookies.
Grandpa sees the cookies and asks for one.
Johnny turns to grandpa and asks: "Grandpa, can your cock touch your ass?"
Grandpa with a smug look on his face replies: "Why yes.
Yes it can."
Without missing a beat Johnny says: "Then go screw yourself, Grandma said these are mine!"
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"
said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK", said Little Johnny, "that could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez", said the stranger, "I have no idea."
"Well, then", said Little Johnny, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion."
He kept on talking to himself like this.
After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore?"
Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a bus driver!"
Little Johnny goes into the bathroom and sees his mummy in the bath.
"What's that mummy?"
says Little Johnny, pointing between her legs.
"That's where daddy hit me with an axe."
says Little Johnny.
"He must have got you right in the Carroll."
Black Eye Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father see's it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault.
We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.
I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny", the father said, "you don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"It wasn't my fault.
There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
the teacher said.
"You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker.
B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker.
B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant.
A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while.
When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie.
B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs.
When you say my name class remember it has an "r"
after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs.
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r"
after the first letter."
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs.
Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day.
As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman.
Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again.
But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone... and I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard..."
God Jackson Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny?s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
As Johnny Walked Upstairs He Heard A Noise Coming From His Mum And Dads Bedroom.
He Went In And His Dad Though A Pillow At Him And Said: "Get Out!"
Next Minute His Dad Heard A Noise Coming From Johnnys Room.
He Walked In And Found Johnny And His Grandmother Shagging And Johnny Said: "It's Not Nice To Shag Ya Mum Is It?"