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Military Jokes

This page contains 10 Military Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Military Jokes first.

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Why are there so many trees along the streets of Paris?
So the Germans can march in the shade.

Good Bad

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
Their army!

Good Bad

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
He does not have a beer gut... He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys) He has a personal war reserve stock. (army guys)
He is not quiet... He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
He is not stupid... He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
He does not get lost all the time... He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
He is not balding... He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
He is not a cradle robber... He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
He does not get falling-down drunk... He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
He is not short... He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
He does not have a rich daddy... He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
He does not constantly talk about cars... He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
He does not have a hot body... He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
He is not unsophisticated... He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
He does not eat like a pig... He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
He is not a bad dancer... He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
He does not hog the blankets... He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
He is not a male chauvinist pig... He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
He is not afraid of commitment... He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.

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Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting:
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles.
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters.
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television. 24 hours a day.
4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude".
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center.
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island.
1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

Good Bad

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So?
What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."

Good Bad

The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details.
A sergeant reported thoughtfully: "Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men."
"What is it?"
the officer got interested.
"Two hundred soldiers."

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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy?
You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass?
You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.
I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank.
I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up.
I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass?
So we exchanged tanks!"

Good Bad

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory.
To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad.
They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string.
This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on.
The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked.
The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down.
But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened?
How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

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