A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?
No, neither did I.Q.
Two college roommates are about to go to bed.
The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code.
His girlfriend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster.
As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato!"
The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonnaise in my eye!"
What do you do when your wife comes into the lounge and start nagging you?
------------------------------------------------- loosen the chain
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says ?I don?t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.?
The husband says ?WHAT?
The wife says, ?You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.?
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can?t decide.
He tells his wife to take all three of them.
They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.
Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited.
She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says, ?But you don?t even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let?s get it.?
The wife is jumping up and down ?
she?s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on.
She says ?I?m ready to go, let?s go to the cash register.?
The husband says, ?No - no - no, honey we?re not going to buy all this stuff.?
The wife?s face goes blank, ?No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.?
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says ?You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.?
A man settles down on a Sunday to read his paper.
5 minutes later his wife walks in and hits him across the back of the head.
"What was that for?"
"I was washing your jeans and checked the pockets and found this piece of paper with Anne Marie on it."
"Who is it then?"
The man thinks a moment.
"It was my horse."
says his wife and she goes away.
The man settles down on a Sunday to read his paper.
5 minutes later his wife walks in a hits him across the back of the head with a frying pan!
"What was that for"
he says to his wife.
"Your horse has called you on the phone!"
When the bride and the groom are getting married the bride is thinking: "This is the most romantic day of my life"
And the groom is thinking: "I hope I get a shag for this later"
A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket.
"Iíve lost my girlfriend,"
he tells her.
"Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"
"Sure, but I donít understand how that would help,"
"Well, every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."
A couple had been debating over buying a new car for weeks now.
He wanted a new truck, she wanted a fast little sports car so that she could zip through traffic around town.
He wouldíve probable have settled for a beat up old truck.
But all she seemed to like were way out of their price range.
"Look, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less"
she said "Well, its my birthday coming up, so you can surprise me" she said.
So for her birthday, he got her a brand new bathroom scale!
A chinese couple had just married.
When they got to their hotel room both knew what was next.
The woman quietly went into the bathroom and started undressing while the man undressed and lay naked under the covers.
The women came out and bashfully got into bed with him and explain, "I have never done dees before."
The man, not wanting to look unexperienced infront of his wife, said to her, "Eets ok.
I give you any ting you want..."
The woman replied with, "Well, I alway hear about numba sixty nine.
I want to try dat."
The man stared at his wife for a while before replying with, "You want chinkin and broccoli?"