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Relationship Jokes

This page contains 10 Relationship Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Relationship Jokes first.

A pregnant woman walked into a bakery and said to the baker 'i am pregnant and your the father'
The baker seemed shocked by this but since it was his son the bakery he said he would supply her with free food untill the baby was 18.
In the future the mother was to ill to get the food so she sent her son instead.
when he said who he was to the baker he seem quiet suspicsous he asked the boy how old he was and he replied 19.
The baker realized she had been lieing to him for 1 year.
He said to the boy 'go home and tell your mom that Im not giving her anymore food and wacth the expression on her face'
So the boy whent home and told his mom.
His mum just smiled and said 'go back and tell him your not his real son and wacht the expression his face!

Husband: If you cook well we can avoid our cook and save Rs.1000 per month.
Wife: If you fuck well we can avoid our cook, driver, gardener, servant and save Rs.4000 per month!

Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !'
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the t.v and said to his wife, 'Quick, bring me a beer before it starts'.
She looked a bit puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it he said, 'Quick bring me another beer.
Its gonna start.'
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said, 'Quick another beer before it starts.'
'Thats it!'
She blows her top.
'You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Dont you realise that i cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?'
The husband gives a big heavy sigh.
'Its started!''

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, 'I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.'

Farmer Sutra
A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, 'Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?'
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, 'Oh yeah? Prove it.'
He frowns for a moment, then says, 'O.K.'
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, 'Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell.'

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
'You'll fart your guts out one of these days,'
she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
'You was right all along Missus,'
the old man says, 'I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!'

The other day, i was invited to a 'boys night out'
party.
Before i left, my wife asked what time i would be in, so i said before midnight.
Anyway, at the party, the beer went down far too easily.
I looked at my watch and discovered it was nearing 3am.
Anway, the next thing i knew i was staggering home.
As i got in, the cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times.
I knew that the noise would wake up my wife, so i cuckooed 9 more times.
Impressed with my quick thinking, i found my up the stairs and flopped into bed.
The next morning my wife asked me what time i got in.
I told her 12am.
She didnt look bothered.
Then she said, 'we need a new a new cuckoo clock.'
When i asked her why, she said, 'last night it cuckooed 3 times, paused, cuckooed 4 times more, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice more, giggled, cuckooed 3 more times, then tripped over the cat and farted!'

A Chinese couple had a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'What will you name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.'

What do you do when your wife comes into the lounge and start nagging you?
------------------------------------------------- loosen the chain

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