Relationship Jokes
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Relationship Jokes

This page contains 10 Relationship Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Relationship Jokes first.

'If you could cook,' said the husband, 'we could fire the chef.'
'If you could screw,'
replied the wife, 'we could fire the driver.'

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her ass cheeks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.'
'How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,'
she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

American Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

'Oh John, do you remember, the last time we were up here was 25 years ago and we made love for the very first time near an old disused barn.
I wonder if we could find it again.'
'I shouldn't think it'd be here after all this time.'
he said, 'but we'll go and have a look.'
Suprisingly enough, the barn was still there.
'Look Doreen, I sat you on that fence over there and we made love, let's do it again.'
She agreed and he sat her on the fence and began the business.
Doreen went completely wild, thrashing her arms in the air and waving her feet around.
'Wow, Doreen, you didn't do that last time.'
'I know'
she stammered, 'but it wasn't electrified then.'

This reminds me of something yesterday at work.
A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over two years old.
They were discussing geography and... 'Where does mommy live?'
'Minneapolis.'
'Where does grandma live?'
'Baltimore.'
'Where does grandpa live?'
'Baltimore.'
'And where does daddy live?'
'At work!'
Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot and ignores her completely.
To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have two letters 'B' tattooed on her buttocks.
Each 'B' on one of her buttocks.
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
'What do you think?'
the wife says.
'Uh, who the hell is Bob?'
the husband replies.

The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.

Dictionary for Women's Personal Ads: 40-ish - 49  Adventurous - Slept with everyone.
Athletic - No tits.
Average looking - Ugly.
Beautiful - Pathological liar.
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills.
Emotionally secure - On medication.
Feminist - Fat.
Free spirit - Junkie.
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person.
Fun - Annoying.
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places.
Open-minded - Desperate.
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing.
Passionate - Sloppy drunk.
Professional - Bitch.
Voluptuous - Fat.
Large frame - Fat.
Wants Soul mate - Stalker.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the husband replied, 'In-laws.'

The guide to women A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING: I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
....
without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
....
you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice;
there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!
RIGHT THERE!
Well, near there;
I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.




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