Religious Jokes
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Religious Jokes

This page contains 10 Religious Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Religious Jokes first.

After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally decided to grant a man three wishes.
'I wish for the coolest cars in the universe.'
'Done.'
'I wish for the most luxurious mansion in the universe.'
'Done.'
'And I wish for the best woman in the world.'
So God sent him Mother Theresa!


Secret Service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
]  The Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'


This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
St.
Peter says Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing.
There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
I turned around and yelled to the rest, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime!
St.
Peter, extremely impressed, says, 'Really?
Wow, when did all this happen?'
'Er..
about two minutes ago.'


He had two parrots.
A cussing one, and a holy one.
Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white.
The priest usually use to carry white one to church.
So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white.
So good one was bad and bad one was good.
So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church.
The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above.
The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up.
But it happen by chance one extra man came.
So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man.
The parrot dropped a bread.
Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, 'EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop', and shits in priest face.
Then parrot says, 'You give me fucking extra bread!'
Then flies out the church!


Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.
St.
Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight.
It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next.
He slices it.
It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.
Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake.
A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.
An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog.
As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball.
It lands in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated.
'Are you gonna play golf?'
he asks 'Or are you just gonna fuck around?'


Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, 'If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way.'
So all the guys said, 'Ok'
Then St Peter said, 'But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels.'
Then St Peter asked the first guy, 'Have you ever cheated on your wife?'
And the guy said, 'Yes, but only 2.'
So he got a small compact car.
St Peter asked the second guy, 'Have you ever cheated on your wife?'
And he said, 'Yes but only once.'
So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car.
Then St peter asked the last guy, 'Have you ever cheated on your wife?'
And he said, 'No never!'
So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy.
The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, 'What's wrong?'
And he said, 'I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife.
She was on a skateboard!'


Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C.
and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks, Billy.


God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, 'God, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.'
'Oh, is that so?
Explain...', replies God.
'Well', says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'
'Well, that's very interesting...
show Me.'
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
'No, no, no...'
interrupts God, 'Get your own dirt, that's mine!'


Three men go to a church and ask to be forgiven for their sins.
The priest asks the first man what he did.
The man replies, 'I robbed a bank.'
The 2nd man tells the priest he killed a man.
The priest says that is really bad and to go drink the holy water and he will be forgiven.
The third man starts to laugh, so the priest asks him: 'And what sin have you committed?'
The third man replies, 'I pissed in the holy water!'


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads: SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES - He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES - Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT - His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well, my son.
Please follow me.'
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.'
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him..
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: - GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!


 



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