After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally decided to grant a man three wishes.
"I wish for the coolest cars in the universe."
"I wish for the most luxurious mansion in the universe."
"And I wish for the best woman in the world."
So God sent him Mother Theresa!
A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable.
So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you."
And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."
Three men go to a church and ask to be forgiven for their sins.
The priest asks the first man what he did.
The man replies, "I robbed a bank."
The 2nd man tells the priest he killed a man.
The priest says that is really bad and to go drink the holy water and he will be forgiven.
The third man starts to laugh, so the priest asks him: "And what sin have you committed?"
The third man replies, "I pissed in the holy water!"
"God," said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So you would love her."
"But why did you make her so dumb?"
"So she would love you."
Three guys went up to heaven, as they came to the gate St peter was there and said to them, "If you have done any sins you well go straight to hell or be punished some other way."
So all the guys said, "Ok"
Then St Peter said, "But since heaven is so big you have to have some kind of transportation on wheels."
Then St Peter asked the first guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
And the guy said, "Yes, but only 2."
So he got a small compact car.
St Peter asked the second guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
And he said, "Yes but only once."
So he got a small car but still bigger then the first guys car.
Then St peter asked the last guy, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
And he said, "No never!"
So he got a huge giant classic car, and he drove off happy.
The next day the first and second guy noticed that the guy with the big car was really upset, and they asked, "What's wrong?"
And he said, "I was driving around in my car, and I saw my wife.
She was on a skateboard!"
He had two parrots.
A cussing one, and a holy one.
Cussing parrot was green and the holy one was white.
The priest usually use to carry white one to church.
So it happens a day that somebody sprayed the white to green and the green to white.
So good one was bad and bad one was good.
So church day comes now, The priest comes now to pick up the white parrot to carry it church.
The priest gave the parrot three breads which indicates blessings, and every time he prayed for a blessing the parrot would drop a bread from above.
The blessings now was for three men that had to be offered up.
But it happen by chance one extra man came.
So the priest prayed and ask God for blessing on the first man.
The parrot dropped a bread.
Second man come now the priest said father God father God Please for blessing the parrot dropped a next a bread, third man come now priest said father God father God please for a blessing parrot drop bread.( fourth man come now- priest said father God father God plz for a blessing) Then the priest looks up to the parrot, the parrot says, "EH this look to u like FUCKING bread shop", and shits in priest face.
Then parrot says, "You give me fucking extra bread!"
Then flies out the church!
God says to this man, "Come forth and I will grant you eternal life."
He came third and he won a toaster!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealth fully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man.
He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man: "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered: "I wear this collar because I am a Father".
The old man thought a second and responded: "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways.
Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said: "Sir, I am the father for many."
The old man quickly answered: "I too am the father of many.
I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count.
But I wear my collar like everyone else does."
"Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out: "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people!"
The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time.
As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said: "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."