Religious Jokes
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Religious Jokes

This page contains 10 Religious Jokes. The jokes are in order of votes, the best Religious Jokes first.

Entering Heaven
A man dies and appears at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done a good deed?'
asks St.Peter.
'Sure, one time I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a woman,' the man says.
'I walked up to the leader and punched him in the face, kicked over his bike, and told him, 'You leave her alone or you'll answer to me.''
'That was very brave of you,' says St. Peter.
'When did this happen?'
'About two seconds ago.'

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, 'Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.'
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, 'I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish.'
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, 'Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that.'
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, 'That's the spirit dad.
Pass the fucking potatoes!'

3 rabbi's are having dinner together, one rabbi looks troubled.
He then stops eating and says, 'Something has been bothering me deeply.
I sent my son away to learn, and he came back a christian.'
The second rabbi looks suprised, and after a moments pause, says, 'You know that funny because MY son also went away and came back a christian!'
The 3rd Rabbi looks really dumbfounded and stammers out 'Thats funny!
Because I I sent MY son away too, and he came back a christian!'
So they all decide they must pray for answers.
And God answers back, 'You know thats funny because MY son......'

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning.
The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church.
They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, 'Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!'
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir.
The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church.
The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, 'All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now.
You may begin the service.'

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
'Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?'
he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
'I was a good father,'
he answers.
'Yes, but you were a drunk all your life.
In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry.
No admittance.'
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, 'Come on, Penny, let's get out of here.'

A little girl was in church and she dozes off the teacher says who is the ruler of these lands?
then the boy next to the girl pokes her with a pencil and the little girl says god!
the teacher said very good now who is the son of god the boy pokes her again and she said jesus christ!
then the teach says good girl now what did eve say when her and adam had there 24th child then the boy pokes her again and she says IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME ILL TAKE IT OFF YOU AND SNAP IT IN HALF!

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, 'Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.'
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, 'Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?''
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa...
What happened next?''

Making comparisons In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.
The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window.
'Young lady', he began, 'I would like three pickets to titsburg.'
Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached.
'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh', he began, 'and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.'
So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third.
'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes.'
'And I must say', he continued, 'if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St.
Finger's going to shake his peter at you!'

In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
'Mother, I want to quit the veil.'
'But why, my child?'
'To become a prostitute.'
'What?
What are you saying?'
'I said I want to become a prostitute, mother.'
'Oh, you had me worried.
I thought you said protestant!'




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